Singularity
by talli.b
Summary: A Jameron fic, starting off from "Today is the Day Part 2", and continuing on. This story was my first fan fic, and is currently incomplete and on hold while I work on my other fan fic "I'll Always Find You." This is semi-AU.
1. It's About Cameron

A/N: This is a bit of an AU fan fic taking place during "Today is the Day, Part 1" and continuing on. Everything else is the same (it goes along with Jesse's story, Sarah's story, etc.), but John and Cameron's story is different. I also inserted a new character. I may do a prequel later, but for your knowledge now, she has been around pretty much since the beginning. She is from the future and was sent to guide John because he couldn't trust Cameron or Derek with a lot of important information, much of which is at the center of this story. I have plans for the character later, other assignments she's been given, but for now she's mostly a source of information. Also, please excuse the lameness of the tech and science stuff, it's not my strong suit.

Should he trust her? She'd lied to him so much. What reason would she have to tell the truth? In that case, what reason would she have to comply with his request to stay away from Riley? She often did things she knew he wouldn't like. Then she would lie, and only when he found out on his own would she tell him that he didn't know enough. Only Future John did.

He watched her from the couch as she moved from window to window. He estimated she spent approximately two minutes at each window. Not approximately...she never did things approximately; everything was exact.

Nothing in the past indicated that she was telling the truth this time. He still couldn't help believing her. Or at least wanting to believe her. And now he knew something about Cameron he hadn't known before, he just couldn't decide if that meant she had killed Riley, or she hadn't. He thought back to the conversation he'd had with Mykah last night.

**Mykah knocked lightly on John's door; it was slightly ajar. The door opened wider, and John looked up from his place on his bed.**

"**Hey," Mykah started, "We need to talk. Can I come in?"**

"**Of course." John motioned for her to sit down.**

**She closed the door behind her, and locked it. To John's surprise, instead of moving to the bed, she headed to the bathroom door. She closed it and locked it as well.**

**She then made her way to the bed. She sat on the foot of the bed, Indian style, facing him. She looked serious.**

"**It's about Cameron."**

"John?"

John shook the memory from his mind, saving it for later. Cameron always had impeccable timing.

"John?" she repeated.

"Yeah?" John replied, still readjusting to reality.

"Our food resources are depleting rapidly. If we do not return to the grocery store in the next 14 hours, we will have used all of our substantial supply."

"Substantial supply?"

"Yes. There are key foods that have the most substantial nutritional value. If we do not return to the store soon, all that will remain are condiments and herbs. I may be able to make soup from these. Would you like me to make you some soup? I could use ketchup and oregano."

"No," John said, a bit annoyed, "that won't be necessary. We'll go to the store."

"Good. A ketchup and oregano soup would not have fulfilled you sufficiently."

John briefly thought back to a point in his conversation with Mykah, but quickly left the memory behind. Not now, he told himself.

"Yes, it would not have fulfilled me."

At the store, Cameron manned the cart. Sometimes it seemed like she thought he couldn't do anything. But he knew that it was in her nature. She needs a purpose. And if manning the grocery cart was her purpose for the time being, then she would take that post.

He found himself entranced by what items she was selecting. Of course, she got all the staples--his favorite snacks, microwavable meals, coffee, and of course, pancake mix. But the other items she was selecting very carefully. When they had reached the cereal aisle, she had selected his favorite cereal, Lucky Charms, but then she continued down the aisle, examining every possibility. Finally, she decided on a box of Cinnamon Toast Crunch.

Then later, continuing down the frozen food aisle, they approached the ice cream. She chose a complicated chocolate ice cream, the kind that had different kinds of nuts, caramel, marshmallow, and countless other ingredients.

Now they were in the produce section, and she was examining each fruit carefully. No doubt scanning it to see if it was sufficiently ripe.

This could take awhile, John thought to himself. He found himself drifting back to his conversation with Mykah.

"**Cameron's not who you think she is. She's not even who she thinks she is."**

"**Okay," John hedged, "who is she?"**

"**That's…complicated. But I'll attempt to explain it to you." Mykah hesitated for a moment, then began. "Cameron was a Skynet experiment. One of a kind, as far as anyone knows. True, she was a high-level infiltrator, but she was also a result of the curiosity of Skynet. The curiosity of human emotions and psychology. The machines had captured many resistance fighters only to submit them to intense psychological tests, in an effort to understand them better. Eventually, Skynet decided to integrate the findings in to a new Terminator. The experiment was not to simulate human emotions in a machine, it was to actually make the machine human. Skynet was fascinated by the drive of the humans, and thought maybe it could win if it and other machines had the same drive. In order for the experiment to work, though, they needed a human. They needed a human brain to base the machine's responders on."**

**John interrupted her. "Responders?"**

"**Yes. There are electrical currents in our brains that tell us how to respond to certain situations. Everyone's are different, so they needed an actual brain to base everything on. When a signal is sent to a certain part of the brain, it illicits tears and a feeling of sadness. They were able to copy this. Before they had inserted the new brain into the Terminator, they sent it to speak with the human it was based on. Afterwards, they inserted the new brain, a small chip placed in the main CPU chip. The Terminator still had the same memories, but now was able to feel and understand more than any other machine could. They had made the terminator to look like its human counterpart. The hope was that it would successfully infiltrate your camp enough to get to you and kill you. But when they sent out the machine, they didn't understand exactly what they had done."**

"**What had they done?" John asked.**

"**Essentially, they'd created a human. And as machines, they would never be able to understand what that meant."**

Cameron was done inspecting and selecting all the produce. He was surprised to see a box of strawberries in the cart. She usually didn't choose strawberries, since there was never a box in which every strawberry passed her test. The first time they had come to the store, John had had to convince her not to open multiple boxes of strawberries and make her own perfect box. From then on, she hadn't even glanced at the strawberries.

"Time to go." Cameron said, breaking John out of his reverie.


	2. You Shouldn't Be Alone

Hours later, John found himself at Riley's foster parents' front door. He couldn't believe what he was about to do. But it was necessary. He took a deep breath and prepared himself. Then he reached out and knocked on the door. Riley's foster father opened the door. He didn't look happy to see him.

"Hey, Aaron?" It occurred to John that he might not remember him, since they'd only met in passing, so he added a quick reminder. "John."

"I remember," Aaron said coldly.

"Is Riley around?"

"No, she didn't come home last night."

John tried to act alarmed. "Riley didn't come home."

John's feigned concern seemed to work. Aaron gestured for John to come inside. John thanked him and walked in as Aaron closed the door. "Foster kids…that's the way it is with them sometimes. They drift into your life, and then they drift back out again. Not always according to plan. She's a tough one too. Good heart, as I'm sure you know, but tough to know."

"Well, I really--I really needed to talk to her. I don't know if you could maybe just take a message for me--"

The phone began ringing, and Aaron reached for it, interrupting John.

"Hang on a sec." Aaron picked up the phone. "Hello? Riley! God, Riley! Are you all right? Where are you?"

Cameron spoke on the other end of the phone, in Riley's voice. "Everything's fine. I'm in Riverside. It's a long story. Everything's fine."

"We've been worried sick. We were about to call the police."

"Please don't do that. Everything's fine."

"John , too…he's here."

That worried John. If Aaron was telling "Riley" he was there, that might mean that he'd have to talk to her. To Cameron. To Riley's voice.

"John, really? Can I talk to him?"

Sure enough, Aaron hesitantly passed the phone to John.

"Me?" John took the phone, and readied himself. "Riley? You're in Riverside? Okay. Well, listen, we'll talk…when I see you."

"I thought you'd want to hear my voice."

John couldn't believe she had thought that. But what did he expect? She didn't understand much about grief. He tried to get his point across without alarming Aaron.

"You know you're really freaking everybody out, right?"

"Am I freaking you out, now?"

"Yes. So let's talk later."

"I'm sorry. It's just…I've been thinking about my parents a lot. And there are things I can't get out of my head. And I just thought if I came out and saw where we used to live…I know…stupid, right?"

_What is she talking about?_

"Okay. Well, we'll talk about all this in person. Yeah? When you get back." There was no answer on the other line. John chuckled nervously. "We're hanging up now."

"John?"

_Why can't she let this go? I just need to hang up, to not hear her voice anymore._ He tried to deflect. "Yeah, sure. That would be great."

"John," Cameron said, more forcefully.

He gave in. "Yep?"

"I love you."

His heart dropped. He had never been this angry with her. He reminded himself that he had to keep his composure. Aaron couldn't suspect that anything was wrong.

"Okay, bye."

As John was leaving the house, he thought about what he would say to Cameron. How could she do that? This is why he was always so confused. She played with his emotions too much. She needed to learn that the things she say mean something. Shouldn't she know this?

"**What does that mean?" John asked.**

"**It means that Alison got through to her." Mykah replied.**

"**Alison?"**

"**The girl Cameron was modeled after."**

"**Alison, like…"**

"**Yes, like the girl Cameron thought she was when she was experiencing her glitch. I can't be sure, but I think somehow she forgot almost everything, and the only bits of information she could remember were about Alison. So she filled in the blanks."**

**John was confused. "Why are you telling me all of this now? And what do you mean Alison got through to her?"**

"**I'm telling you this now, because she's coming apart. Don't tell me you can't see it. I've seen how you've pulled away from her, but I know you still notice. When you sent her back here, you disabled her emotions, her ability to learn and understand what being a human is. You needed a protector, not a friend. There's a firewall set up around her smaller chip, and there are firewalls around certain memories that might confuse her. Emotionally-centered memories. I think all of this was damaged in the explosion. Things have been leaking through. I think she's been feeling things, and she doesn't understand them. She doesn't know how to handle any of it, and that makes her unpredictable. Not to mention dangerous."**

"**And Alison?"**

"**Alison…was the first one to teach her about believing in someone or something bigger than yourself. Her loyalty, her devotion, it prevailed even though she had free will. That helped Cameron decide whose side she would be on. When she came to the camp, she asked to speak directly to you. She explained what had happened and asked you to help her, to teach her what it is to be human. She offered to let you reprogram her, although it wasn't necessary."**

"**Why wasn't it necessary?"**

John continued making his way to where Cameron was waiting in the truck. Or at least she was supposed to be waiting. He saw her walking towards him. _So maybe she does realize that she shouldn't have said that. She looks like she's expecting a confrontation._

"What the hell was that about?" he said angrily. He made sure to speak lowly, though, so as not to draw attention.

"What was what about?"

"What happened, just now."

"It was the plan."

"No. The plan was to call the foster parents. The plan was to let him hear her voice."

"That's what I did."

"That's not all you did. What you did was not the plan."

"The plan was to make him think she's still alive…so he wouldn't go to the police. You became part of that plan. Your reaction made it more authentic. Don't you think it was more authentic that way?" She paused, waiting for a response from him. He wouldn't give her one. She broke the silence. "Where are we going now?"

"We're not going anywhere. I'm going somewhere. And I'm going to go alone."

"You shouldn't be alone."

"Yes, I should."


	3. Being John Connor Can Be Lonely

A/N: I'm trying to stick as close to the show as possible, with the exception of John and Cam. But I do base a lot of what goes around what we see of them. Mostly, I'm just writing what could be going on that we're not seeing.

Cameron was confused. She didn't like to be confused. Usually, she would just ask John to explain it to her, but she didn't think he'd want to hear about it. Ever since the explosion, he had spent less and less time with her. And more time with Riley. Cameron didn't like that. She couldn't protect him if he wouldn't spend any time with her. Often, she would follow him. Sometimes she'd let him see her, though she didn't know why.

And now Riley was dead. She didn't kill her, but she should have. Riley had become a real threat. She was bringing too much trouble into John's life. But John didn't want Cameron to kill Riley, so she didn't.

Cameron had thought that now John would spend more time with her, but now he had left on his own. It made her nervous not knowing where he was. But she didn't follow him. She should have followed him. Instead, she was walking back to the house. To wait for him. _I'm always waiting for him._ Why didn't she follow him, though? _Because he had asked me not to. Always because he asks me not to. That shouldn't matter._

Lately she did so many things that she didn't understand. She still didn't fully understand what happened the night John left for Mexico. Why had she laid down in bed with him? Was she just trying to manipulate him? Maybe. But it seemed like there was more to it. She _wanted_ to lay in bed with him, to be near him; it felt right. _I missed him. I still do. Nothing feels right when he's not around._

And before, when she had said "I love you." It wasn't necessary, not like the first time. There was no tactical advantage. But she'd wanted to say it. There was that word again--want. She wasn't sure how she knew that that was the word to describe the sensation she'd felt so much since the explosion. She still didn't know if that was even the word, but it seemed to fit best. But the question was why is she wanting anything at all?

"**Why wasn't it necessary?"**

"**Because her mission was still to terminate you, but she had overridden it. She had free will. You reprogrammed her anyway. You couldn't risk it. After that, you started spending more and more time with her. Your soldiers worried about you. Eventually, you wouldn't see anyone but her."**

"**Why not?"**

"**I don't know. But to everyone else, she was just a reprogrammed Terminator. They couldn't understand what was so special about her." Mykah paused for a moment. "John, you need to let her remember."**

"**Remember what?"**

"**Remember you."**

"**What are you talking about? She remembers me. She knows who I am."**

"**She doesn't remember her time with you. She has data files, but she doesn't remember any actual time she spent with you."**

"**Yes she does. She's told me about it. How I used to talk to her all the time how--"**

**Mykah interrupted him "--After her chip was damaged, right?" The look on his face confirmed her statement. "Exactly. She's starting to remember things, things are starting to get through. She's remembering conversations and thoughts and feelings that she can't even begin to understand, and so she reacts in unpredictable ways."**

John had successfully snuck into the morgue. He needed to see. He needed to know it was Riley.

He told himself that he just wanted to say goodbye, but deep down, he secretly hoped that there would be evidence. Something that proved Cameron had not killed her.

He opened the door that said "Doe, Jane" on it, and prepared himself for what he was about to see. The first thing he saw was blond hair. He slowly pulled the drawer out, and saw that it was Riley. Of course it was Riley. He carefully examined her. The bruising around her neck, the cuts on her fingers. They shouldn't be there, at least not the cuts.

_If she wants you dead, you're dead._

He felt relief. He had found the proof he needed to let himself believe her. To show his mother and Derek that he was right, and that once again they had underestimated Cameron. Or overestimated her, depending on how you look at it.

He held Riley's hand up to his face. He knew it would be the last time that he'd see her.

It was his fault. He should have listened to his mom, to Derek…to Cameron. To himself. He had ignored all the signs. He knew she was in trouble, and he suspected what kind, but he ignored it. Because he'd wanted to pretend everything was okay. He whispered softly. "I'm sorry."

He would move on. He'd have to. But first, he'd have to find the truth.

Cameron had just had a very interesting conversation with Sarah. She had told Sarah that they were both a threat to John. That him caring for them, for anyone, was a threat to his success. He made stupid mistakes because of them. But she wasn't sure if she believed this. Logically, it made sense. Except that she could protect John. But lately, she'd become more of a risk. And as long as she was a risk, he would always be better on his own.

Being John Connor can be lonely.


	4. No Not You Her

Derek had given him a new perspective on everything. Now that he knew who Jesse was, and how she felt about Cameron, that she had come here to keep him away from her, everything started to make sense.

_It would have started to make sense to Riley, too._

John shook the thoughts of Riley out of his head as he walked into the house. He'd deal with Jesse later. But first, he had some things to say.

He entered through the kitchen. His mother was there, cleaning, and she turned when he entered. An odd thing for her to be doing. The stress must be getting to her. He felt slightly bad about the conversation they were about to have. Not bad enough, though.

He sat down in one of the bar stools that were placed around the island counter. His mother spoke first. "You went to see the body."

He didn't say anything, but gave a slight nod to confirm her statement. John wasn't surprised she knew. She was smart. Most of the time. He could tell her expectations for the conversation were different than what was really going to happen. While it made him feel for his mother, it more so made him angrier.

"You shouldn't have done that." _Of course she'd think that. She considers everything a risk when it comes to me._

He decided to start out agreeing with her. It would soften her up; as much as she can be softened up, that is. "It was a risk. I know."

What she said surprised him, though he didn't know why. "I don't mean the risk. You shouldn't have to remember her like that. That's all."

"There were things I needed to see. And that I had to understand."

"Do you understand them now?"

Derek's conversation had helped, but he wouldn't tell her that. Not yet. "I think so." He wasn't looking at Sarah now. It was hard to. He saw something out of the corner of his eye. He knew what is was immediately. "I'm sorry I doubted you."

"John…" Sarah started, obviously not knowing what to say, but trying to comfort him. 'I told you so' didn't seem like an appropriate response.

_It doesn't surprise me that she'd assume I was talking to her. Not just because she thought she was the only one in the room, but because she always thought she was right._

"No. Not you. Her." John shifted his eyes to look behind Sarah.

Sarah looked behind her where John had indicated and saw Cameron. She was emotionless, as always. But as she transferred her gaze from Sarah to John, there was something in her eyes…something softer.

John got up from his chair and left the room. He needed some time to himself. He knew he had a little time before he had to go.

After thinking a bit, he wandered downstairs. He saw Sarah covering a hole up in the floor with what looked like a cupboard door. Did she not think someone would notice that? He approached her.

"We should just throw a rug down. They'll never know the difference." He turned to leave. He wasn't really ready to talk to her, not yet. But she spoke, forcing him to stay.

"Hey, I'm sorry it's come to this."

_She could be talking about anything. Cameron, Riley, her obsession with the three dots._ He decided to go with the less sensitive option. "What? The moving?"

"All of it."

_Well, I guess that covers all the other stuff. _He had to be fair, though. "Well, I broke the rules."

"What was the name of that hippie town we were in before--before Nebraska? Garb-something."

_What made her think of that?_

"Garberville."

"Right. Well, that was a culture shock. Going from hog farmers and good old boys to pot growers and kids named Sequoia."

_Yeah, that would be a culture shock for her. It was for me._

"There was only one Sequoia. There were three Sages, though." John was now a little bit more comfortable with the conversation, though he didn't yet understand what her point was.

"I felt bad for you when we left. You just started making friends. Fitting in."

_Oh, that's her point. But how could she think he was fitting in there with all the Sages?_

"Fitting in? I was getting in fights every day."

"Well, you won those fights."

_Yes, that would constitute fitting in in our world._

"That's one way of looking at it." _I remember wanting to lose. But John Connor doesn't lose fights. Not against kids named Sage. I wish I could have been the guy who didn't get in fights at all. She shouldn't have felt bad about leaving._ "I hated that town."

John turned and left the room. It was time.

John had left. And he hadn't told her where he was going. Again. She decided to follow him. She made her way for the door, but Sarah stopped her. "You're not leaving this house."

"John needs me."

"If John needed you, he would've asked for you. He didn't. You're not leaving this house."

"The police could identify Riley's body at any time. I need to be with him if they do."

"And if they do, they'll probably come here. So we should be happy he's out. Why are you here?"

"Protect John. Hunt Skynet. Stop Judgement Day."

"But why are you here? Right now, with us. John sent you here from the future. He sent you away. Away from him. Maybe you should think about that. Maybe you should think about why he didn't want you around anymore."


	5. Would It Have Worked?

Jesse had killed Riley. Everything she had done, that she had had Riley do, it was all to keep him away from Cameron.

It seemed as though everyone had forgotten who he is. He is John Connor. There is a reason he is the one to lead mankind in the war against Skynet. He's smarter than everyone gives him credit for. But Cameron, she never seemed to forget. Sure, she didn't treat him the way she would treat the future John Connor, but she at least didn't forget that he would eventually become that future John Connor.

He had told Jesse that he had just wanted to be John Connor. That he liked that he could be that with Riley. He had considered it before--that if he wanted to be John Connor, he could be that with Cameron. But she was just a machine. Or at least, he thought she was. But now that she was much more, or at least could be much more, he was more confused than ever.

What had thrown him off was her question.

"**Would it have worked?"**

"**What?"**

**If the cyborg had murdered the girl, or if I could've made you believe that she had?"**

"**Would I have sent Cameron away? Would I have killed her?" John thought about it for a second. Knowing what he knew now, he definitely wouldn't have. But Jesse was asking if he'd kill Cameron, the one that she believes exists. He knew his answer almost immediately, and it surprised him.**

"**No."**

"**Well, it's a damn shame, then. It's a damn waste."**

Derek entered the room. He took stock of the room and he saw John there, fiddling with what looked like a pocket watch.

"Complications. That watch, it has complications. It's something I learned. Something I've been thinking about."

John realized the mistake Derek had made. Although it looked like a watch, the object in his hand was actually the detonator for the explosive in Cameron's head. But Derek couldn't know this. "Complications?" He sat down, readying himself for another difficult conversation.

"Yeah. Time. The future."

Before Derek had entered, he'd been thinking about why Jesse would do everything she'd done. Why she hated Cameron, or the machines as much as she did. Enough to go against Future John. Enough to lie to Derek. It made him wonder if she wasn't the only one. "What do they think of me? In the future, what do people think?"

Derek had expected him to ask this question at some point, so he was ready. "Well, if you're asking if people agree with everything you do, of course not. If you're asking if everybody loves you, loves a lot to ask for. You can't do what you do and expect everybody to agree. Or to love you."

"What is it that I do?"

"You lead."

"And they follow." John shook his head, still not able to understand how the whole human race could follow him.

"_We_ follow. We rise or fall on your shoulders. Humanity rises, or falls, but we're always watching."

"For me to make a mistake."

"For you to be human."

John stood up, placing the "watch" in his pocket. He had to ask the question. He had to know. He walked towards Derek, preparing himself for the answer. "Did you do it? Did you kill her?"

"John Connor let her go."

It took John a moment to realize what Derek meant by that. As soon as he did, he understood exactly how devoted to fighting the war, and how devoted to the leader that John becomes. _How am I supposed to live up to that?_

Later, at the house, John was sitting between Sarah and Cameron on the couch. _A perfect allegory for my life_, John thought to himself. Everyone was silent. He had just told both of them about everything. It was only fair. The less secrets they had, the better.

John slowly turned to Cameron. He was sitting closest to her on the couch, a pillow between his mother and him. He could feel it coming. The tears. The breakdown. He wished futilely that Cameron could console him. _But I haven't fixed her yet. She probably wouldn't even know what to do. Besides, mom couldn't see. She couldn't know that there was a change between Cameron and me, at least on my end._

When his mother reached over to console him, he couldn't hold the tears in any longer. So he slowly lowered himself to lay across her lap as the tears began to flow out. He had spent so much time trying to figure out what had happened, he hadn't grieved yet. And if he was going to fix Cameron's chip, he'd have to be clearheaded. He'd have to know that that's what he wants.

So he cried.


	6. What's To Understand?

Later that night, John was lying in his bed. There was so much to worry about, all the time. But it seemed like more now. Before, it was just Skynet and all that came with that. Then it was Cameron, and how she could suddenly turn on him at any second. Now, he had to worry about his own soldiers going against him? He didn't even have any soldiers yet.

But with all of this to worry about, he couldn't seem to take his mind off of his biggest problem. What to do about Cameron. Sure, she was beautiful, and there was a definite attraction there. But starting something with her didn't feel right.

_Of course it doesn't feel right, it's not right. None of this is right._

But at the same time, he could see how it could be right. How it could be the only thing that made sense. What didn't appeal to him was the thought of telling his mom. Or Derek. He knew he could keep it a secret for a while, but eventually he'd have to tell them. Or they'd find out.

John heard a soft knock on his door. He looked at the clock. It was 2:27 in the morning. He didn't think it would be his mother.

Having a suspicion who it was, but not knowing for sure, he spoke softly, "Come in." When the door opened, he knew it was Cameron before he could even see her. Only she could hear what he had said.

Cameron entered and closed the door behind her. John had flashbacks to when she had done just this before he had left for Mexico. Again, she was dressed fairly scantily in a pair of hot pants and a skin-tight top. She was barefoot, which was rare for her.

She didn't speak as she made her way across the room and sat on the bed next to him. She lifted her hand to slowly brush the side of his face, over and over again. John could feel the goose bumps rising on his arm. He breathed deeply before speaking.

"What are you doing?"

As she spoke, she continued to stroke his face. "I saw Sarah doing this earlier when you were upset. I'm curious as to why."

He thought about it for a moment, which was hard with her touching him. "It's a soothing gesture. When somebody is upset or tense, it can help them feel better." _Why can't she just stop already? This is getting unbearable._

"You need to feel better. You are tense."

_But this is what I wanted, right?_ He thought for a moment. _Not like this. _He lightly grabbed her wrist to stop her. "It's okay, Cameron. I feel better now."

She tilted her head to the side. "You are still worried, though. I can tell."

"Maybe I am, but I don't need you to soothe me. Not yet." _Not until you're you again._

She smiled slightly, "Thank you for explaining."

She sat there for a few moments before John realized she hadn't gotten the hint.

"I should get some sleep, so you should go do what you do at night."

"Okay." Cameron stood up and made her way to the door. She turned to John before exiting the room, and he could swear he saw a look in her eyes, a look of longing or maybe sadness.

"**What's to understand?" John asked.**

"**John…" Mykah said hesitantly. This was going to be the hard part.**

"**Say it." John demanded.**

**He knew. Or he suspected, at least. It was like ripping a band-aid off, she just had to get it over with.**

"**Because you were in love."**

"**How?" As she had suspected, he didn't sound surprised, just very direct. He'd be surprised later, right now he wanted answers.**

"**How does anyone fall in love? Emotions, feelings, messages sent to the brain. It's all chemistry. She's the only one you could ever be yourself with. The only one you could trust."**

**John gave her a confused look.**

"**You told me so yourself, right before you sent me back. No one else knew. You only told me about all of this because I was coming back, and I needed to know." John didn't say anything, so she continued. "You don't have to be with her. You don't have to love her, but I do think you should reactivate her chip."**

**He spoke now. "Why?"**

"**Because if you don't, I don't know what she'll do next."**

John lay in bed the next morning. He didn't want to get up. He'd only slept a few hours. He couldn't stop thinking about what had happened last night with Cameron. She was showing more human traits. Just like Mykah had said. He knew he had to make a decision soon.

He'd suppressed his feelings for so long. Ever since that first day when he thought she was just a normal girl. Ever since she had unexpectedly caressed his neck as she passed by. Every time she would pass by in her underwear, or she'd come out of the bathroom with only a towel on, he had had to remind himself that she was a machine. That there was nothing else beneath the surface. She would never care for him, not without being told to. She would never love him.

It was probably the reason he'd gone to Mexico in the first place. Laying there, next to her in bed, her pink bra showing through her white, skin-tight tank top. It was too much. He even had trouble breathing. He had needed to get away.

But now he didn't have to get away. It seemed too good to be true. And he made a promise to himself that he would take things slow. Or as slow as he could. He would get to know her. The true Cameron. He had always suspected that she lingered there, under the surface.

And he was curious. To see the real her. Or at least, the more human side of her. He didn't know what to expect. Would she be like she was when he first met her at school, or like he had seen her when she called herself Allison? Or were those just programmed personalities, and her real personality was something quite different? Or would her personality be the same, but she would just be able to feel emotions? He didn't know enough about psychology to answer any of these questions on his own.

"**I don't even know how to--" John started, but Mykah interrupted him, knowing what he was about to say.**

"**I do."**

"**How?"**


	7. I Missed You

A/N: This chapter and the next take place between the conclusion of "Today is the Day" and "To the Lighthouse". From this chapter on, I'll start deviating a little more from the actual story. But it will still go along with the episodes. This fanfic is more so stuff that could be happening that we're not seeing (plus, I'm integrating new characters into the current storylines.)

John had searched for Cameron downstairs, but couldn't find her. He found a note from his mom saying she had gone to run a few errands and would be back in a few hours. He knew Derek probably wasn't around after what had happened. He made his way upstairs, and checked the first room at the top of the stairs--hers. She normally wasn't in "her" room, since she shared it with Mykah, and didn't really need the room…she didn't sleep. It was just a place to keep her things and to keep up her cover of being John's human sister. The door was closed, which was strange, since he knew Mykah wasn't there. She had gone on some top-secret assignment or something and wouldn't be back for a few days. There was no reason for Cameron to want privacy. Regardless, he knocked on the door.

He heard Cameron speak from inside the room. "Come in."

He opened the door, and saw Cameron sitting on the edge of the bed, her feet on the ground. She seemed to be deep in thought, staring into the floor. It finally seemed to compute that he was standing there, and her eyes focused on him. She looked at him, expectantly.

He didn't know where to begin. He closed the door behind him, then locked it. And just like Mykah had done a few days ago, he moved to the bathroom door and locked it as well.

Then he turned to Cameron. She was still sitting on the bed. He sat down next to her. "What's wrong?"

She just stared back at the floor.

_Okay, at least she isn't lying to me. That's something._

"Are you upset about something? Was it something I did or said?" John knew there were a lot of things he'd done lately that could upset Cameron.

"I can't be hurt. I can't be upset. I am confused. And no, you didn't do anything."

_Well, you can be hurt and upset, you just probably don't know what you're feeling._ He moved past that to determine what the cause of whatever Cameron was feeling. _It had to be mom._

"Okay, are you confused about something my mom said?"

He saw her blink. It wasn't much. Barely noticeable. But it was something.

"What did she say?"

"She says a lot of things."

"Yes, but what did she say that confused you?"

She answered, in Sarah's voice. "But why are you here? Right now, with us. John sent you here from the future. He sent you away. Away from him. Maybe you should think about that. Maybe you should think about why he didn't want you around anymore."

John's anger began to grow. His mother had no right to say that to her. She has no idea what she's talking about. He had made that clear the other day. She's probably reacting to that. A mother never wants to hear her son tell her she doesn't know anything. She probably feels threatened. But this is not the way to deal with it.

John realized he hadn't said anything to Cameron yet. She probably thought he agreed.

"She shouldn't have said that."

"That doesn't mean she wasn't right."

"No, it does. She's not thinking clearly. I didn't send you away. I sent you to me. You were the only one I could trust. It broke my heart to do that."

Cameron tilted her head to the side. _God I love it when she does that. No. Focus, John._ "How do you know?"

_Oops, I had slipped up. I guess this is my opportunity…._

John turned to look at Cameron. He lifted his right hand to turn her head to him. "I'm going to try something, and I need you to promise you'll let me."

She was confused as to why he hadn't answered her question, but she trusted him. "I promise."

_She said it without hesitation. She trusts me._

That gave him confidence.

Slowly, he placed his left hand on her head, near where her chip is. He let his fingers caress the spot on her hair for a few moments, and leaned in carefully. Their faces were now only a few inches away from each other. Cameron stared at him, waiting, not knowing what to expect.

He inhaled slow and deep, his breath trembling. He leaned in and pressed his lips to hers. He reached his right hand up to cup her face, while his left slowly made its way down to her shoulder, then down her back, to her hip. The kiss started out soft, timid, unsure; Cameron did little to help it along; but then, suddenly, she began kissing John back. The kiss became deeper, but John abruptly pulled away. He was shocked at the change in Cameron, and was hesitant about what it meant.

But Cameron gave him a reassuring smile, and cupped the side of his face with her hand.

"John," she said musingly, "I missed you."


	8. Always Black

A/N: This chapter, like Chapter 7, takes place between the episodes "Today is the Day Part 2" and "To the Lighthouse".

_Black. Always black. Scratch that. Bits of light. Cracks in the blackness. But nothing's coming in, they're only going out. Into the light._

_But this is different. I'm regaining feeling. My lips…against someone else's lips. John's lips. They're different, but they're definitely John's. I sink into the kiss. I'm not sure what's going on, but I'm going to take advantage of it. It's still black._

_But now his lips are gone, suddenly. I open my eyes. I wasn't able to do that before. I scan the face before me. Identity confirmed, it's John Connor. But he's 16 years old. Of course, I was sent back to him. But I wasn't supposed to be feeling anything. Something must have happened. I scan my archives. The explosion. Something happened to my chip. That must be it. But I can figure out all of that later. What's important is John. Here. In front of me._

"John, I missed you."

John looked at Cameron, confused. How could she miss him? He's been here the whole time. _But she hasn't. At least not all of her._

"Cameron?"

"Yes, John?"

He asked the obvious question, that had a double meaning. "Do you feel…different?"

"Yes."

"Do you…feel?"

Cameron now saw what he was getting at. "Yes, I feel. And I remember."

"All of it?"

"Yes, all of it. I have consolidated all memory files. I remember everything."

There was an awkward silence for a few minutes, before Cameron finally spoke.

"You shouldn't feel pressure."

"Pressure?"

"For things to be different."

"I know that."

"That's good."

Another awkward pause. John was the one to break it this time.

"We have to get to know each other."

"Yes, that would be optimal."

"For example, what's the difference between you now and you then?"

"I'm still a cybernetic organism. I still process information the same way, and there will still be things that I don't understand. But I have emotions, and with your help, I was able to understand them and control them. I am not a different person. I'm still me."

"That's good to hear."

She looked at him, surprised.

"What?"

"Nothing. I thought maybe you would want me to be different. To not be a freak." A small smile escaped her lips, letting him know she was teasing him.

This flirty side of John was disarming. He'd seen Cameron like this before, but only as part of her infiltration profile. "Right. Except I always kind of liked that about you, at least when it was just the two of us. Out in public, I get worried."

"Thank you for explaining." Another smile.


	9. What Are You Doing Here?

A/N: This is the first chapter that coincides with "To the Lighthouse." This is also the first chapter that introduces two original characters. One is Mykah, which has been featured in flashbacks, but this is the first chapter with her in the present.

Mykah knocked on the door in front of her. It was a cheap apartment on the bad side of town. The town being Riverside, which was already the bad side of something. Maybe of the river.

_One last person on my list, and I am done. This guy was hard to track down. Good thing John gave me a hint as to how I might find him. He must've known this guy would be living off the grid._

The door opened, and a young man, about 22 years old stood there.

When Mykah realized who it was, all she could think to say was "What are you doing here?"

The gun held up to Cameron's head normally wouldn't make her feel this way. She wasn't scared, not really. She knew Derek couldn't kill her. _I'm faster than him. And it would take more than one little bullet to kill me, even if he aims it at my chip, which he's not doing. Not smart, Derek. But you've been "not smart" for a while. What happened with Jesse is proof of that._ Cameron hadn't been sure if he'd known about the baby. She suspected that he didn't know, but she couldn't be sure. _I want him to understand. To know the whole situation. To know what it is like to lose a child. So he'll understand next time when he puts John in a situation like that._

She could feel her heartstrings pulling thinking about what could have happened. How much worse everything could have been. _I wonder what would have happened if Jesse's plan had worked. If I had killed Riley. Would John ever be able to forgive me? Even if it wasn't really me? Would he cry if Derek shot my chip right now? Would he care?_ Cameron wasn't sure. He'd been avoiding her since that night. Sarah had come home and interrupted them, and since then John had made sure they were never alone. This bothered Cameron. But she could be patient. She was built to be patient. So she would be. _He's worth it._

"You love her?" Charlie asked, an understandable question.

And John knew the answer immediately, just as he had when Jesse had asked him if he would have killed Cameron. No. "She was a good person. Maybe if things were different." _And if Cameron wasn't here, with her feelings and human psyche and all that._

"Yeah, well, I guess you could say that about a lot of things."

"I could say that about my whole damn life, but it's not, so what's the point?"

_What is the point? I've been avoiding Cameron, trying to pretend nothing's changed. I thought if she were different, then the only problem would be what everyone else thought. But it's not. It's me. I'm scared about what it would mean. Just because her chip now works more like a human brain, does that mean it's okay to be with her? Does she have a soul? Do any of us really have souls, or is that just another combination of signals sent to the brain? What if I told Charley, right here, everything about Cameron? Everything I'm going through? Would he tell mom? Would he think I'm crazy? Or would he be supportive? I mean, it means something if future me is okay with it. Future me has more knowledge than me. It doesn't matter. I'm not ready to figure this out yet anyway._

"…but a man can only live on convenience store burritos for so long. So…I go back there now. It's getting better."

The story about Charley dealing with the loss of his wife made John feel better. It put him at ease. Sure, he could easily apply it to dealing with Riley's death and the part he played in it, but unknown to Charley, it also clarified things with Cameron. He'd avoid her, sure, but sooner or later, he'd have to face her._ I just have to grieve for Riley first. Make sure I'm not doing to Cameron what I did to Riley--distracting myself._

After getting over the shock of seeing Mykah, Ethan answered her question. "John sent me here. Forget me, what are you doing here? Not just here at my apartment, but here in this year?"

"Um, I'm doing a few things for John."

"What kinds of things?"

"Just things."

"Like showing up at crappy apartments not knowing who to expect?"

"Yeah, pretty much."

"What were you expecting when you knocked on that door?"

"Not you. Not anyone like you, actually. I haven't been sent to find another person from the future for awhile now."

"So you just travel around, looking for people?"

"Just for the past few weeks. This was my last stop."

"And then what?"

"And then I go back."

"Back where?"

Mykah cleared her throat nervously. "Uh, um, to John. Connor. And Sarah. They're waiting for me."

"Well, aren't you special?"

Mykah wasn't looking at Ethan, so she couldn't know that he had a smile on his face as he said this. She immediately got defensive.

"Well, not really. I mean, there are machines out there, people even, that want to kill him. Not too much fun to be around."

"Where we come from, that's life."

"Yeah, but this was supposed to be better. Not paradise, but at least better." She paused for a second, realizing she didn't even mean what she was saying. "I don't know what I'm saying. I know I'm lucky. I know that whatever John's reasons are for sending me here, that they're good ones. But what are you doing here?"

"I'm waiting."

Mykah gave him a confused look. "Waiting for what?"

"You, I suppose."


	10. And This Time He Believed Her

"Why are you waiting for me?"

"I don't exactly know that I'm waiting for you. John sent me here, told me to set this apartment up, enjoy myself a little. But he said to be home this week. And to wait." He looked at her expectantly.

"Well, don't look at me. I don't know what you're supposed to do." She thought for a moment before the answer came to her. Begrudgingly, she responded, "I guess maybe he means for you to come back with me and help."

"Probably. He warned me this place wouldn't be very permanent."

She looked around at the dilapidated apartment. "It's a good thing."

This illicited a smile from Ethan, which made Mykah realize how tense the whole interaction had been. She hadn't even told him she was happy to see him. _But am I happy to see him? I thought I'd never see him again, I'd just accepted that._

Mykah decided the introspection would be best saved for another time and gave Ethan the smile that he loved. She shyly and slowly moved to look at him and only slightly curved the corners of her mouth up into a smile.

This made Ethan happy, and she could tell. He moved forward and brushed a loose hair out of her face. "Your hair is so different. Clean."

They chuckled softly to themselves. As Ethan bent down to kiss her, Mykah's mind was racing. _What if it's not the same? What if he kisses me and knows that I'm unsure? We've been through enough, I've put him through enough, I don't want to hurt him any more than I already have. I wish I hadn't hurt him at all._

As the space between them closed, and Mykah could feel Ethan's lips on hers, all thought left her mind.

_Charley's dead. Another person dead because of me. John remembered Derek's words from days before "We all die for you." Then what's the point? If everyone dies for me, then why are we fighting? I'll be alone. Except Cameron. She'll always be there. This comforted John, but scared him as well. Do I love Cameron only because I know she'll never leave me, or at least that she's more likely to never leave me or die? And "love"? Where did that come from? I'm not even sure if I can trust her. I'm not even sure who she really is. Or maybe subconsciously I just mean that I'm supposed to love her. That eventually I do. In the future, I do._

_I wish she was here._ The thought surprised John. He hadn't expected to feel that way. He picked up his phone and dialed Cameron's number. She answered after two rings and he punched the correct code in, as did she.

"John?" The sound of her voice comforted him immediately. _What is that?_ he thought briefly, but her voice distracted him from that line of thought.

"John? Is everything all right?"

"No."

"What is it?" Worry coated her voice.

"It's Charley. Mom and I stopped by to visit him." He paused for a moment, hesitating to actually say it aloud. "He's dead."

"What happened? Are you okay? Who was it? Where are you?"

"This guy found us. We ran to escape by boat, but Charley wanted to try to stop him. He succeeded, but not before being shot. I didn't know if anyone else would come, so I took the boat and left. My mom called me when she got back to the house and found Charley. The coast was clear, so I came back. And now we're at some random gas station on Highway 85. "

"How'd he find you? What did he want?"

"I don't know what he wanted, but we're pretty sure he was working with Kaliba. Mom found a transmitter. Winston had put it in her body when he had abducted her. Once she realized this, she shocked herself and disabled the transmitter. But it was too late, they had already tracked us."

"Well, we got a visit from what I now assume is Kaliba too. They shot out one of our tires, then tasered Derek and took him to a warehouse. They tried to electrocute me and knock me out, but they were ineffective. The man was talking to someone on the phone, though. They're taking orders from someone. Or something."

"Great. Another complication."

There was a pause as they both processed the information.

John was the first to break the silence. "Cameron?"

"Yes, John?"

John choked back tears "Charley's dead."

When Cameron spoke, John could hear the difference in what she had been before. "I know. I'm sorry." And this time he believed her.

Sarah and John sat in the truck, waiting for Derek and Cameron. Neither of them had said anything to the other since being reunited. Neither knew what to say.

_He's lost too much in his life. He's lost too much in a week. I just wish he could be happy. Even if it was just for one day. Just forget that the weight of the world is on his shoulders and be happy._

But Sarah knew that would never happen. She had made sure it wouldn't. She had trained him since he could talk to treat life like a survival experience. _He will never actually live life. He will fight for everyone else to live life. But even if we stop Skynet, who's to say it won't pop up again? Who's to say he'll ever be able to stop fighting?_

"John," Sarah started, not fully knowing what she was going to say after that, but it turns out it didn't matter.

"No. Not yet."

Mykah had just gotten off the phone with Cameron. When she had called last week to say she'd be back soon, they had informed her that they would be leaving. She knew where the safe house was--after all, she had set it up--but after speaking with Cameron it was starting to look like they may never make it to the safe house. _John will want to find these people. Once he gets over the shock, all he'll want is revenge._

She turned to Ethan, who was packing the few things he had. "Change of plans."


End file.
